The more you fart

Perhaps you know the refrain: “Beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so lets have beans at every meal.”

I have a bone to pick with this. Yes, it is true, that if one has a large amount of pent-up gas in their abdomen, that tooting will feel good. Indeed, the more complete the tooting, the better the person will feel. However, one does not consume food for the joy of having the colon fill up with noxious fumes, only to expel them at night next to a partner who probably would rather be smelling something else. And if you had eaten, let’s say, three large meals of beans, the tooting would be never ending. This poor person’s sleep might even suffer because of it, to say nothing of their partner’s.

It is my opinion that the phrase, “the more you toot, the better you feel,” is as true as, “the more you puke, the better you feel,” or “the more you diarrhea, the better you feel.” In the latter two, you are also expelling unwanted detritus from the body, and they also often cause a sense of relief. But, are they something to aspire to? Do we seek substances that will cause us to do either of these things with regularity, and then consume the substances because of these liquid-expelling side-effects? No. We don’t.

So, this poem is a lie. Everyone is wrong about beans. They are evil and should be avoided. This poem would be better if it went “Cottage cheese, cottage cheese, the magical curd, when I eat a reasonable amount, it tastes good and I have no digestion problems.”