How to be a loser

Being a winner is easy. All you have to do is keep trying at something and then eventually there is an outcome, and you reap dividends on the joys of the process and of your growing sense of mastery. Plus! You are bolstered by good brain feeling chemicals that make you feel like the hard work is worth it. Yay! It’s a continual yay parade. Toot toot! Toot toot! Join the winner yay parade!

So fuck that, because it’s hard. What you want to do is lose, and it’s easy. There are just two things to remember. Or maybe more. It would be fitting for me, as a loser, to be wrong.

• Any failure of yours is permanent and final.
• The success of others detracts from your own success and happiness.

With these two beautiful mill stone truths, you can set out on your journey, which will mostly be one of trying to ruin the accomplishments of others while being miserable. I’d ask you to come join my sad parade of human misery, but then it’d be slightly less sad, and I might find myself confused as to whether or not I’m a winner or a loser, and I know that I can only ever be one of those things. So it’s probably best that you fuck off.